Meaningless Shadows Intertwined With My Existence

Mother told me to stop looking for shadows,

they were dead, they were gone, they were not there at all.

It’s okay I said, as she tied a yellow ribbon round

and round my wrist and throat.

What is okay? I don’t know. Something must be. Or must be not.

 

One time I pulled my fingernails in the closet.

One by one, they slid off with ease and punctuality.

I gathered all ten of them,

put them into a matchbox.

Slid it into my pocket and sat down on the floor.

Blood welled from my fingers so I put them all into my mouth.

Suck out the pain, suck out the hate, suck out the regret.

Salt intermingled with rust as mother came in.

What are you doing?

I shook my head,

she sighed,

I lost,

she won.

 

You have to keep the bandage on, the doctor said.

To make sure they’re there bite your fingers every night.

Pain reminds you’re here, alive, existing, doesn’t it.

You have to make sure they don’t float, disappear, vanish.

Right along with your existence.

I nodded my head.

That’s a good girl.

 

~Eli Winters

 

*I got the picture from some website I don’t remember so all rights for the picture go to the rightful owner!*

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Dancing With the Blade

*I do not own the picture/image, all rights go to the owner, whom I do not know, I just got this picture of off Tumblr some months ago. If someone here owns it or knows the owner, just mention it in the comments so I can give them the credit*

TRIGGER WARNING!

Razor

sharp pain

wrapped in the skin

of your own hands.

 

When did you start

looking for release

in mundane objects

in objects meant

to be

used

for something else.

 

When did you start

using Band-Aids

wristbands

bracelets

bandannas

to hold your

dead meat

of a body

together.

 

When did you start

hiding shirts,

ripping pillowcases

off

and stuffing them into

your backpack

and carrying them around

all day, feeling guilty if

anyone sees

your dirty evidence.

 

When did you start sleeping

with your arm

pressed tight

against your bare

skin,

feeling it burn

feeling it throb,

not caring because then

at least

you can escape

having to carry that

dirty evidence around

the next day –

even if it means

waking up

with blood stains

over your stomach, sides.

 

Tell me when you started to

carry paper towels

and cotton wipes

and toilet paper

to escape mishaps

and questions

and confrontations.

 

Tell me when you stopped

Believing

in God

in angels

in crosses.

 

Tell me when you stopped

Looking

for suicide prevention quotes, anti-suicide songs and movies

for things that make your life worthwhile,

for things that make you want to hold on to this

life of yours

tell me tell me tell me.

 

Is it perhaps when holiness was sapped from your own bones?

Tell me, I’m dying to know.

 

~Eli Winters

 

 

Surrounded by Voices of Your Forefathers

Inhale,

The screams of yesterday,

The wails of tomorrow,

The moans of today,

 

Surrounded by voices,

Never ending, never breaking,

 

Buzzing like bees,

Meowling like kittens,

 

Don’t feel and you’ll forget how to scream,

In the end, there are so many people that have

Sounds trapped in bodies that

Sometimes forget how to speak,

Exhale.

 

~Eli Winters

Tainted Shadows of the Godless City

***image taken from site; File:Mariyatsu-Castle Shiroyama-Jinjya Torii.JPG***

 

Skyscrapers cut crudely into the sky,

Bleeding it a crimson red.

She knows there won’t be a star in sight

When darkness falls,

Dropping like a curtain after a spectacular show,

The city lights are just damn too bright,

Damn too feverish,

Damn too wretched.

 

 

The college student among the buildings,

Collides with everything because there’s just too much,

People, buildings, garbage cans, life.

Let’s escape to the seaside park,

With its never ending sea,

Whispering age old secrets, songs, magic, mysteries

To the exotic serpent life, the conch shells, the sand,

 

 

Watch as she runs down the beach and into the water,

There would be time for other things

Sometime between the folds of adolescence and sanity,

For now,

Let her gaze out into the dark blue sky,

The horizon mapped with skyscrapers of Kisarazu,

And just live.

 

~Eli Winters